Managing PPD & life

It's been about 6 weeks since I started being treated for post partum depression. Honestly I wish it was something that could be fixed overnight. I've been on medicine for 6 weeks and have not seen any real change. Started on 25 mg, then boost to 50 and now 100 the last 2 weeks. Nothing. I'm suppose to go back when I start running low again. Maybe they can give me something else to try. I honestly think that I need some anxiety medicine on top of the depression medicine. If you don't know what it's like it's hell. I'll give you an example of what I deal with. One night after barely any "me" time and just lack of sleep. I found myself going off on my husband. Dylan had been crying for days. He's teething and has horrible acid reflux. I found myself stressed out from the house not being perfect. I have seem to develop ocd with this. As it's common in post partum depression. Dylan started crying again. My husband who had kept reminding me that or son was crying yet again for the millionth time. I finally snap and the flood gates open. I just started yelling at him. How all he ever says is "Babe he's crying, babe he's crying, babe he's crying!" and that I had it. How I hadn't sat down all fucking day and that I can't take it anymore. I'm not super mommy. I'm never going to be perfect ever. He took Dylan and try to calm him as I found myself rocking on the couch crying my eyes out for a good hour. The whole time I kept asking myself, "Will I ever be normal again?". It scared me. I hate this feeling. I hate it so much. I'm trying so hard to figure out how to fight this but most days I find myself wanting to call it quits.

I am super overwhelmed with daily tasks lately. Between the lack of sleep at night, kids are home all day driving me crazy on summer vacation and just lack of any free mommy time it seems. I'm hoping when school starts August 31 it will get easier. Bryce is enrolled for first grade I need to take Caleb up to enrollment for pre-k. Just don't seem to have time to get around to it. Vance has the car at work all day and it's just too hectic to take all 4 boys. Plus Dylan's acid reflux is driving me crazy. Zantac is doing NOTHING for it. The last few days have been hell for me. He screams all day long and spits up tons of food when he finishes. Or just can't eat without screaming from the pain. His doctor wants to try and ride it out til his check-up and then we'll go over more options for him. Maybe even doing some more testing to see if everything is developing. Hopefully I get some answers soon.

I'm in the middle of trying to change the kids eating habit at the moment. It's getting better. Less junk food more fruits and veggies. I'm trying to work on a menu for the next pay period. But it seems like I never have the time to sit and work on it. Right now I'm rocking Dylan as I type hoping he'll take a nap. If I can just get this menu done today for grocery shopping tomorrow I would be satisfied with my day.

Only have 2 hours left til I need to leave for weekly therapy session. Actually this will be my second session this week since my therapist is taking a week off. Therapy has been pretty helpful. We talk about everything. Stuff I haven't thought about in months and things that make me question the way I look at people in my life. She makes some very good points about how I've looked at life and the fact that some people I shouldn't feel the need to "be" there for. I have always been a people pleaser. Always trying to please everyone but not myself. Family members mostly. Some friends. Not going to list names on here. I'm still processing it all and just trying to figure out who has really been there and resolve some issues I didn't realize I have from my past. If you know me then you know about my not so great childhood. Let's say I've been through a lot more then some people have. Do I let it define me --no! But I do know that I've never showed anger or my true feeling to people that could have been there and weren't. Or anger to the ones who did do stuff. Instead I've always tried to bottle it up or make excuses on why it's pointless to talk about it. I do realize that because of everything I went through as a child and stuff my husband went through has made it hard to trust anyone with my kids. My therapist says I have good reason to be so overprotected. In fact she supports me on it. I will continue to be protective on my boys in til I feel like I don't have reasons too. If your finding this offensive then most likely you have given me a reason why I should be around you. Or why my husband feels the need to have them not around you much.

I hate that we're both grown and our families continue to think we're dumb when it comes to the things they are doing. We know EXACTLY what you all have been doing and saying. We're not stupid. Our kids are not stupid. They are very educated so that they NEVER have to go through the shit we went through as kids. I'm proud of that. My 4 & 6 year old knows what "evils" are out there in the real world and how they cause people pain and tear families apart. They know what to do if someone ever tries to do anything to them or offer them anything. As long as I'm alive they will not go through any crap we went through. Mark my words and if one fucking person attempts to try anything with my kids or offer them anything I will tear them a new one. I'll be damned if anyone does anything to my boys. Test me if you don't think I will. Go ahead try.

I would love to say thank you to my husband. Thank you for dealing with my ups & downs of post partum depression. Thank you for all the times you've listen to me cry and just for being supportive every day. I'm so thankful to have you in my life. I love you so much babe.

Vance - I never thought in a million years that I would find someone
so amazing and completely perfect; someone that would
make me happier than I ever dreamed; someone that would
give me a whole new reason to breathe. I love you. <3