Finally went to the doctor and had a long talk with her. Finally explained how I've been feeling lately. How I have tons of anxiety around people. How I cry a lot lately, not sleeping much, stressed like no tomorrow and just down all the time. The kids drive me crazy at times. I feel like I don't have enough time, energy, hands, etc. Better explanation I feel like a hamster running around in a cage. Turns out I just have postpartum depression. I had a feeling I had it. But didn't want to admit it to myself. I didn't want to be put on pills or anything like that. I was on pills when I was a teenager and told myself I would never need them ever again. I find myself going down this path and I can't seem to get myself out of it. I cry way more then I need too. I don't even bother getting dress nor do I want to go out really. I'm tired of being stressed out all the time. I find myself laying awake in bed just looking at the ceiling hating life. I'm overwhelm when dealing with all the kids at once. Which makes me nervous when Vance deploys. I'm going to be a hot mess most likely. I miss my family all the time. Maybe seeing this therapist will help. God I hope it does. I hate myself at the moment and just want to be the happy cheerful me. *sighs* I wish I had someone who can relate to this. Vance tries to understand but I don't think he fully gets it. I don't think anyone really does. The way I feel scares me at times. I hate this feeling.
I'm sorry if I've been distant. I'm sorry if I've let anyone down. I'm trying to figure myself out at the moment. I'm trying to be strong and do it on my own. But failing miserably..
My doctor also took some blood work and other labs. She is running tests on my thyroid and making sure the preclampsia from all 4 kids hasn't effected my heart. Plus she is also checking on my kidneys to see if they've bounce back. Hopefully everything is normal. Why can't lab results come back asap and not take almost a week to get back. I hate waiting on labs. I'm way to impatient.
1 comment:
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way Cas. Life has it's way of getting to us when we seem to need it the least doesn't it?
I know you hate to hear this, but I'm thinking that the meds they put you on will help in the long run. I didn't want to be on them either, but what can you do? It's so hard to get over the feeling of disappointing everyone in your life.
I don't have any kids, but I do have a handful of nieces and a nephew. I would do anything for them also and I feel like I get a small taste of post partum every time I leave them. I know it's nothing compared to what you're feeling. I wish I could just give you hugs and hang out in PJs with you. I rarely get dressed also if it makes you feel any better!
Just know that even though I don't know what you're going through and I can't relate, I understand the absence of family. Since moving to KY from Texas I have felt the pull to be back with them at least once a day. I don't think it gets any easier.
Hugs Honey!
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