Fear

I'm so scared and nervous lately. I have dreams about everything going wrong. I have anxiety about baby's birth. None of my kids have come naturally at all. All 3 of the boys were induced for pre-clampsia or they were late. With this baby I can not be induced due to prior c-section. They say that pitocin can cause uterine rupture. So that has me freaking scared as hell. The idea of another c-section has me scared as well. In fact the thought gives me a panic attack. I had a horrible c-section with Aiden and I'm so scared to do it again with this baby. I'm trying so hard not to panic or stress over it. But it's all I think about and has been giving me nightmares keeping me up at night. I'm terrified and just want to skip the whole birthing experience at the moment.

I'm trying to keep my mind off of it but I can't seem to. Ugh, I'm not sure how I'm going to do when the day gets here. I really want a vaginal birth but none of my kids have come naturally. So pretty sure this baby won't either. They will only let me go one week over. Great, now I'm crying again. I hope this all works out the way I want it too.

I hate military life..

Seriously why can't life ever go my way just one fucking time. All I wanted from the military was to be moved before my due date so that I could be settle in and not worry about moving right after I pop a baby out. But no let's change our minds and make me move after giving birth. Do I look like I want to sit in a car for 30 hours with a newborn while healing? Um, hell no I don't. Plus not setting up for baby at all here in this small ass apartment. To small to even set up in at the moment.

Plus I hate the hospital here they don't listen to me at all. I want to be fixed after this baby. Nope they don't do that here so now I have to wait til I go back to Ga and have Dr. Di do it then. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Only thing good out of this is they will allow a VBAC so no c-section if baby will allow it. So I guess that's something to look forward to.


I just want to cry because I'm so damn fraustrated with the whole damn situation at the moment. My hormones are probably not helping much at the moment either. *Sighs* Someone shoot me already!