Preparing for change..

Everyone tells me they don't know how I do it so well with Vance being gone so much. All I can say is I just try to suck it up. I've done this for 9 years now. Trust me it does not getting easier. I wish I could say that each deployment gets easier or that it's a piece of cake. But it's not. I cry at times. I get so lonely at night when he's gone. I worry about him all the time. I HATE when I don't hear from him for weeks. I think that's the part that drives me crazy the most. I never knew how much a short email saying I love you could mean so much but it does. I call his cell phone to listen to his voice again. I have cried before in our closet smelling his shirts. I sound pretty pathetic right now, huh? I appear to be so strong on the outside but in the inside I'm crumbling. I know there is going to be days where I'm probably going to want to lay in bed and eat a whole tub of cookie dough ice cream because I miss him so much. Yes, I am guilty of doing this in the past. Can you blame me though? At times I wish we had family that lived closer so that I had that family support to lean on. I wish I could call family and ask for help or a break for the weekend. I wish I could send the kids to a grandparents house for the night so I could breath and have mommy time. But everyone is in Texas. Sadly, I don't think any of them can come to Washington and see me.


We're moving to Washington sometime in November or December before Christmas. Part of me is excited to get there and check it out. Part of me is dreading the move. Lets face it -- 5 days in a car with 4 kids isn't the funniest thing to do. I'm glad my little brother Craig is most likely going to fly out here and help us drive both cars there. It makes it easier having 3 adults taking on 4 kids. Especially with filling cars and bathroom breaks. I'm hoping for a smooth move this time around. My dream move would be to beat the movers so that I can have my stuff as soon as they get there. I don't want to stay in Navy lodge longer then I have to.

Vance isn't reporting to a boat right away. I get 6 more months with him before he starts deployments again. He has to do more schooling before he can leave. Which will help get the kids use to the new area. Bryce & Caleb seem pretty excited about the move. I think they have become use to the long road trips from station to station. Which in a way makes it easier. Aiden & Dylan on the other hand get pissy after so many hours in the car. Which at times can make the drive seem like it's never going to end.

I'm more so nervous about life once Vance is deployed. Last time I did a deployment we only had two kids. Now we have four. I'm trying to think of things I can do to help them not miss their daddy so much. I'm going to get them each a daddy doll I saw online. Plus thinking of having Vance record his voice in some stories. One for each kid. Since bedtime stories are usually daddy time with the boys. I'm trying to think of other ways to keep them happy. Feel free to comment with any ideas on how to make deployments easier on them. I'm all ears.


My biggest fear right now is handling this ppd. I am still seeing my therapist who I love. She is so supportive and caring. I'm going to miss our sessions when I move. I finally was able to switch to a pill that helps with my anxiety. We'll see in a month if there is any real difference. My goal is to eventually get past ppd and not need any pills at all. But with going back to deployments I think I'll always need some for my anxiety attacks. I get pretty overwhelmed on bad days. I'm most likely going to be a hot mess when Vance is deployed. So be warn my blog might seem super gloomy and depressing at times. Not all the time but I'm sure I'll have my days of venting.

Again if anyone has any suggestions on how to make the next few years of deployments easier for myself or my kids let me know. Seriously, I'm up for any suggestions. Sorry for the depressing entries lately. I can't have a lot on my mind and can't seem to post anything fun or exciting worth sharing at the moment. I ran across this quote and it's exactly how I feel at times.

"I remember when I used to be the happiest,
loudest, spunkiest person alive. Nothing
could get me down for very long. I smiled
all the time and laughed nonstop. I still see
glimpses of that girl sometimes, but not much.
I miss her."