I don't know anymore.

So last night I had a breakdown. Vance came home talking about how he had to go in for stuff in the morning when I had an apt. This wasn't the first time, or second, more like 20 million time. Anyways I got so upset and annoyed at him. I didn't mean to get so upset. I think this has been coming for awhile now. You know I've been with him 7yrs in August. I should be use to the whole military life style. I try to get use to it, try to pretend its not crappy. But I can't. Now that we have kids, I don't know how much I can take to be honest. I hate when he has to be deployed, I hate being scared that he might not come home. I hate how he has to work days at a time, or how even on his days off they call him in. I hate feeling like I'm raising the kids on my own all the time. I hate it so much. I hate when he's gone how I have to explain to Bryce why daddy isn't home. Or listen to him cry for daddy and not give him what he wants because I'm not daddy. I try so hard to make myself not care or worry all the time. But I do. I hate sleeping alone. I hate feeling so alone at times. I hate how it takes me having to be referral out to specialist for his job to freaking start caring when I have apts and NEED to go. Oh and I hate that crap I hear about how if the military wanted you to have a wife they would issue you one. Whoever freaking came up with that should be punched in the face. Seriously I really hate that phrase.

I like everyone that I made friends with where ever we moved. Just there is so much drama it seems in military towns. Seriously you know why I don't like knowing alot of military wives because all they do is start drama. Like pulling husband ranks and thinking their better. That crap gets on my nerves and I rather not have to deal with it all together. Now I have met some who are not like that and I like them I really do. And will always want to stay in contact.

You know what I see how happy everyone that use to work with vance is after they left the military life. They all moved back to their home states. Though some had to go on food stamps and medicaid they're so much happier to be home and with their familys and friends they grew up with. I want that. I want to be able to see my family more often or friends I've known since middle school. I miss everyone. I really do. Everytime I go to Texas then come back, I feel home sick for a few weeks. I think we both do. I know it would be hard at first. But in the end we'll be fine and way more happier. We'll have so much support there, and we always have more fun when we can be around ppl we love.

Vance is thinking about getting out. Last night I broke down and told him how I felt. He says he's thought about it. Just worrys about how hard it will be at first. He should have his degree not much longer after he got out. Which then he said he could find a really good job in San Antonio probably. I would love to move back to Texas. San Antonio works with me. No matter how hard it is. In the end I think we would be alot better off and way more happier. Nothing for sure yet. Have to wait and see what happens. He has till 2011 to figure it all out. But god would I love it so much.

I'm going to stop rambling and get off of here.

I'm falling apart.

At least I feel like I am.  I went to the follow up apt to get my lab results. My thyroid is fine. But they are now sending me to a cardiologist and neurologist now. Cardiologist bacause I have chest pains and I have iregular heartbeat. Basically it beats to fast. The neurologist for my headaches that cause my vision to blur or double when they hit. Plus they want me to get an mri of my brain to check for any tumors. I just want to know whats wrong with me not more apts. I just want to feel better and back to my old self. I'm only 23 and feel like I'm falling apart. 

Aiden is doing ok on his soy formula. Hopefully he'll do alot better now. If not back to the dr so they can figure out why his tummy is so sensitive. Bryce is sick on top of all of this. He woke up last night crying for help. He was burning up and had puked on himself. His throat is swollen and still feverish. He just seems miserable. All he's done is lay on the couch in and out of it. He can't see his dr til next week. But if it gets to where he can't eat or drink I'm taking him to the E.R. Which I cant see happening tomorrow probably. He won't eat much says it hurts way to bad. 

I'm so exhausted the last few nights have been crappy. With Aiden adjusting to new formula and was up crying from his shots. Then last night Bryce was crying most the night because his throat hurt. Hopefully I'll be able to get some sleep. At least I hope. Vance has to work from 9 tonight til 7am. So I'm by myself tonight. So I'm really hoping to get some sleep tonight so I can function tomorrow. If I don't sleep tonight I might not be able to do anything tomorrow without dosing off. 

Well going to get off here and get some cleaning done. 

Aidens apr.

Today was a busy day. We were at the hospital by 9:12 for my blood pressure check for the day. Then off to the pediactric clinic down the hall for Aidens checkup. Which was the longest apt it seemed. In the 30 minutes waiting for Aiden to be called back, Caleb decided to practice walking backwards. He fell bump his head on the table then the floor. So he has a little bump on his head from that.

Finally Aiden was called back for his checkup. Vance took him back while I stayed in the waiting room with the older 2 so they could play. The dr gave us 2 types of formula to try on Aiden since the gentle ease isn't working. He's been puking and constipated again.  First one we are trying is Similac Insomil Advance. Its soy milk. If he's not doing better by the time we run out of the sample we have Similac Alimentum to try. Its Hypoallergenic formula for food allergys and colic. So going to give it a try and let the dr know if any of these make him feel better. If its the Alimentun one that does it I have to get a prescription to get wic with it. I hope one of these will work feel bad for the little guy. Hopefully Sams club will let me exchange the gentle ease for whatever Aiden ends up on. I would post how much Aiden weighs and his height but vance knows and didn't tell me. So waiting for him to email me from work and let me know. 

After his checkup we went to get his shots done next door. Also requested all 3 boy shot records so that I can put them on wic. Trying to save money and wic helps alot. They gave Aiden his 3 shots then we waited for her to find the older 2 shot record. Finally she finds them 25minutes later. Which ended up having to get Caleb a shot done while we were there. I felt bad for Caleb, he fell asleep to be woken up to a shot in his leg. Plus he his head was hurting from falling down. After 20 minutes of making sure he had no side effects we finally got to come home. It was noon by the time we got home from everything. 

Vance left after we got home to take care of some stuff and get to work. As for me, I've been dealing with 2 crying kids. I've been switching between tylenol and motrin like the dr said. But man everytime they bump their legs on anything, its screaming time for 30 minutes. So been hard cleaning the house with Aiden in my arms or Caleb wanting to be held. Really looking forward to all 3 going to bed so I can get a little quiet time for the night. 

I finish my 5 day blood pressure on friday morning, also get my lab result from my thyroid that morning at 10am. So hopefully they can tell me whats wrong with me and give me something for it then. Friday will be a long day with my apt, paying bills, grocery shopping, etc. I can't wait til Vance is off again so I can have a much needed lazy day to myself. 

Well I'm going to get off here, need to get the boys ready for bed soon. 

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