I don't know anymore.

So last night I had a breakdown. Vance came home talking about how he had to go in for stuff in the morning when I had an apt. This wasn't the first time, or second, more like 20 million time. Anyways I got so upset and annoyed at him. I didn't mean to get so upset. I think this has been coming for awhile now. You know I've been with him 7yrs in August. I should be use to the whole military life style. I try to get use to it, try to pretend its not crappy. But I can't. Now that we have kids, I don't know how much I can take to be honest. I hate when he has to be deployed, I hate being scared that he might not come home. I hate how he has to work days at a time, or how even on his days off they call him in. I hate feeling like I'm raising the kids on my own all the time. I hate it so much. I hate when he's gone how I have to explain to Bryce why daddy isn't home. Or listen to him cry for daddy and not give him what he wants because I'm not daddy. I try so hard to make myself not care or worry all the time. But I do. I hate sleeping alone. I hate feeling so alone at times. I hate how it takes me having to be referral out to specialist for his job to freaking start caring when I have apts and NEED to go. Oh and I hate that crap I hear about how if the military wanted you to have a wife they would issue you one. Whoever freaking came up with that should be punched in the face. Seriously I really hate that phrase.

I like everyone that I made friends with where ever we moved. Just there is so much drama it seems in military towns. Seriously you know why I don't like knowing alot of military wives because all they do is start drama. Like pulling husband ranks and thinking their better. That crap gets on my nerves and I rather not have to deal with it all together. Now I have met some who are not like that and I like them I really do. And will always want to stay in contact.

You know what I see how happy everyone that use to work with vance is after they left the military life. They all moved back to their home states. Though some had to go on food stamps and medicaid they're so much happier to be home and with their familys and friends they grew up with. I want that. I want to be able to see my family more often or friends I've known since middle school. I miss everyone. I really do. Everytime I go to Texas then come back, I feel home sick for a few weeks. I think we both do. I know it would be hard at first. But in the end we'll be fine and way more happier. We'll have so much support there, and we always have more fun when we can be around ppl we love.

Vance is thinking about getting out. Last night I broke down and told him how I felt. He says he's thought about it. Just worrys about how hard it will be at first. He should have his degree not much longer after he got out. Which then he said he could find a really good job in San Antonio probably. I would love to move back to Texas. San Antonio works with me. No matter how hard it is. In the end I think we would be alot better off and way more happier. Nothing for sure yet. Have to wait and see what happens. He has till 2011 to figure it all out. But god would I love it so much.

I'm going to stop rambling and get off of here.