Finally went to the doctor and had a long talk with her. Finally explained how I've been feeling lately. How I have tons of anxiety around people. How I cry a lot lately, not sleeping much, stressed like no tomorrow and just down all the time. The kids drive me crazy at times. I feel like I don't have enough time, energy, hands, etc. Better explanation I feel like a hamster running around in a cage. Turns out I just have postpartum depression. I had a feeling I had it. But didn't want to admit it to myself. I didn't want to be put on pills or anything like that. I was on pills when I was a teenager and told myself I would never need them ever again. I find myself going down this path and I can't seem to get myself out of it. I cry way more then I need too. I don't even bother getting dress nor do I want to go out really. I'm tired of being stressed out all the time. I find myself laying awake in bed just looking at the ceiling hating life. I'm overwhelm when dealing with all the kids at once. Which makes me nervous when Vance deploys. I'm going to be a hot mess most likely. I miss my family all the time. Maybe seeing this therapist will help. God I hope it does. I hate myself at the moment and just want to be the happy cheerful me. *sighs* I wish I had someone who can relate to this. Vance tries to understand but I don't think he fully gets it. I don't think anyone really does. The way I feel scares me at times. I hate this feeling.
I'm sorry if I've been distant. I'm sorry if I've let anyone down. I'm trying to figure myself out at the moment. I'm trying to be strong and do it on my own. But failing miserably..
My doctor also took some blood work and other labs. She is running tests on my thyroid and making sure the preclampsia from all 4 kids hasn't effected my heart. Plus she is also checking on my kidneys to see if they've bounce back. Hopefully everything is normal. Why can't lab results come back asap and not take almost a week to get back. I hate waiting on labs. I'm way to impatient.
